The Seven Best Argument-Ending Words

The martial arts school called judo allows its users to redirect their opponent’s attacks and get them to defeat themselves. The word “judo” is Japanese for “gentle way.” By forcing the aggression of your opponent back at them, you negate whatever harm that attack could have caused you. This will surprise the opponent and create the opening for a throw or a takedown. If the opponent is a strong wind, the judo fighter is a blade of grass. While the wind will uproot any tree that tries to resist it, the grass will adjust to the wind by bending, evading the worst of it.

In the same way, a judo fighter can gently disable an opponent, certain tactics can end an argument. A rhetorician named George Thompson developed “verbal judo,” a set of techniques that deescalate and defuse severe verbal confrontations. He then trained law-enforcement agencies around the world in these tactics. Though verbal judo requires softness, it does not imply meekness. Showing fear may only provoke a predatory reaction on the part of the other person. No, verbal judo must be assertive, even shocking. That said, the particular technique I’ll be writing about today doesn’t need the user to shock or surprise. But it’s no less effective.

A while back, a friend of mine introduced me to this technique. We were talking about modern politics and how divided society has become. We talked about how people shouted at one another without taking the time to understand each other. This led to him talking about neuro-linguistic programming, a pseudoscientific discipline he’d been studying. By now long-used to my friend’s penchant for odd topics of conversation, I sat back to listen to his explanation. But to my surprise, I came across an insightful piece of wisdom.

According to him, there existed a technique that allowed one to end almost any argument. See, most arguments happen because one or more parties in the argument believe that the other side is not listening to them. This technique preemptively ends arguments by nipping this insecurity in the bud.

Here are the steps to using it:

1. Stop whatever argument you and your friend are having or about to have. It doesn’t matter if the other side started it or not. You’ll be the one to end it.
2. Say the following seven words: “Let me see if I understand you.”
3. Restate what you believe the other side’s point is as best you can, and then if you got it right.
4. The other side will either say “yes, that’s it” or “no, here’s what I said” in response to what you said.
5. The other side then tends to reciprocate and try to understand your argument. From there, you can work out some kind of disagreement.

My friend used it to deal with an argument he was having with his wife. It not only solved the communication issue that existed between them, she was able to teach him some things he hadn’t considered.

In general, I’ve found openness and honesty to be one’s best friends in an argument. Lying and evasiveness tend to make things worse, even if it’s meant to spare someone else’s feelings. We all get enough of that nowadays. The kind of evasive, corporate way of speaking bureaucrats use has always bothered me. It’s designed not to offend anyone, but it only makes our misunderstandings worse. By contrast, this method gets to the heart of our communication problems.

I only wish I would’ve known about this sooner. Looking back, I could’ve resolved many arguments with my parents had I known about this technique. Don’t make my mistake, and don’t hesitate to use it. Tell me how it works for you!